Have you ever sat in your science class paranoid that you might accidentally write the word “orgasm” instead of “organism” in your school book?
Panicking in case your teacher circled it in red pen with a question mark when she marked your work and asked for an explanation?
Have you ever been nervous when you had to speak or read aloud in front of the whole class, due to fear you might accidentally say “orgasm” instead of “organism” and then the whole class would burst into laughter at you?
At what age, did you begin to explore the depths of porn on the internet? Were you fifteen? Sixteen? Eighteen? Thirteen?
For me, it didn’t start with porn. Well, not the type you watch anyway. More the type you play.
I was probably around eleven when the sexual scenes in films would begin to make me feel a certain way. They gave me a sensation that felt like butterflies in my tummy, I would tickle and tingle. I was never embarrassed by these scenes. I would just embrace the tingle inside.
It was awkward to a degree of course, just like any sex scene with a family member in the room. But nobody made me feel uncomfortable. I never got glared at to see if I was watching or if I was looking away, nobody made any weird comments like “this isn’t for your eyes”. It was just there and it had an effect on me.
I used to play online games, multiplayer online games. They were always fun. I enjoyed them thoroughly. There was a broad range of players on these games, from thirteen to perhaps eighteen. Some were sexual, it was nice. It was a nice virtual reality. An online community, who understood me.
Of course, I lied about my age. I think most people did. I definitely know some of my friends did, that’s how I found out about the games. I signed up when I was eleven and you had to be thirteen with parents permission. There was something amazing and great about speaking with the older kids, feeling part of something without them actually knowing your real age and belittling you. They accepted you based on your avatar appearance or your avatar level in a certain skill. It was perfect.
On the odd occasion, you’d meet someone who was actually your age and you’d both admit to lying and then you’d create have a special bond. You’d have proper chats about what it was like being that age and how it felt talking to those older. They promised to keep your secret and they’d lie on your behalf. I miss those days, they were the best friends I had ever had.
But with games like that, you got other chatroom suggestions in the search engine or other recommended games. I don’t think it was as regulated as it is today. You’d be playing some girly doll dress up game one minute and then the next, you’d have some kinky strip doll roleplay pop-up encouraging you to “start now”. At the time I didn’t know the difference.
I didn’t really understand what explicit games were or what half that stuff even meant. It was the internet and so much was unknown.
I once had a friend, she was fifteen fifteen. I was like eleven. She asked me if I knew what a condom was. We were just riding out bikes int he street. I thought it was a biscuit. She laughed at me before explaining.
I was confused. How was I to know that aged only eleven?
I had plenty of anxiety over these things. I was real paranoid. I think looking back, it was quite wrong. I shouldn’t have felt the way I did. I had nothing to be anxious about.
I’d never take back any of the lessons I learned. I wouldn’t have things any other way.
I loved playing my online games, I loved talking to older boys and girls. It gave me a sense of belonging more than anyone in the real world ever did.
So what, if it gave me anxiety about saying orgasm instead of organism?
The fact was, that they would have to know the words meaning themselves to be able to laugh at me so they had no ground to stand on really.
They didn’t know my life outside of school. It made me so happy, it gave me a small sense of power. The fact that they assumed I was a certain way and I just played dumb to the situation but in reality, I understood completely. I probably understood better than them.
I loved it.
I can’t even deny, there were times when my fourteen-year-old self would sit in a class daydreaming about hot boys. That extra half an hour you had left at the end of a maths exam, I would just fantasize about the late night texts I’d had the night before. It was the only way I made it through high school, by living in my own little world.
I appreciate my online friends more than anything else. Although I lost contact with most of them, they played a huge influence in my life and helped me deal with things I otherwise wouldn’t have been able too. They gave me a sense of belonging, they gave me butterflies and a concept of love. I knew what it felt like to be wanted by someone older and to me, it didn’t even matter whether they went to my school or not. They shared the same interests as me, they shared the same music, the same thoughts, the same fandoms. I didn’t care that I never saw them face to face because it was my world and I was in complete control of it. (Adding onto that, I did see some of my friends via webcam online. They were the friends I was closest too). They gave me the best memories I could ever ask for. I would go back to them any day, without a doubt.
I often think to myself, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. The whole battle of high school. I watched from the sidelines of people being slut shamed. It angered me, it scared me too a little, but an advantage for me was that they never recognized me and also I was never involved in that. They never saw me, they didn’t know me. I was lucky in that sense I guess.
I feel like that’s still true today. You learn to play the game. You learn when to be seen and when not. Who to talk to and who not, especially if you don’t want the whole world to know your private life. They would ask me, why do you daydream so much? I would just laugh to myself and continue my work. I wasn’t really daydreaming, just thinking of sex.
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