Untitled until further Notice.

The worst part was feeling alone, feeling like I had nobody to turn too. I was so embarrassed. My face was burning with frustration. I needed somebody, but I had nobody.Otherwise, everybody would know and everybody would judge me for being so stupid. I was desperate to cling onto any sense of pride I had left which meant I was forcing myself to deal with this alone. I hated it but there was nothing I could do, nothing I would allow myself to do. I wasn’t going to go back to him, I couldn’t.  I would look like such an idiot, more so than I already do. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath; at least he’d proven to me exactly how much I meant to him. How could he sit there all them months ago and let me go on about all our plans and everything knowing what he’d done?  How did he manage to stay so quiet for so long? I hurt so badly, my heart was breaking. I was just crying constantly. I couldn’t stop. I was a mixture of heartbreak and anger. I couldn’t calm myself down because I kept replaying that moment over and over in my head. Analyzing the situation in every way possible but still, nothing made fucking sense. Why was he such a fucking idiot? A heartless fucking idiot.  I loved him but I fucking hated him for hurting me this way.  It hurt more than anything I had ever experienced in my entire life. It beat losing my dad when I was only twelve years old and that ripped my heart out.  I was gutted.  I glared into space as I clutched my knees closer to me. What was I to do? We’d booked the flights to California, I had my new job waiting for me. Our flat was sorted.
What use is all that now?
I’d have to face it alone if I still wanted it. I’d have to make the transition myself and in all honesty that scared me. It scared me more than anything. My best friend was meant to do this with me, he was meant to be at my side. It was our dream to move over there, move into our new place, raise the kids and give them the good education we’d always dreamt of having. We were going to live our dream. We’d worked so hard for it. I’d worked so hard for it, what right did he have to take it away from me just like this?  How can I start my married life alone in California? How can I start married life single? What sense does that make? It makes about as much fucking sense as his stupidity right now.

I sighed because I wasn’t about to let the roaring hate and frustration take hold of me again. Tonight had been terrible, so much for a great start to a new year. My phone was vibrating on the coffee table. I didn’t answer it. I couldn’t answer it. I couldn’t face anyone, it was too soon. I was too upset. I noted I had more than ten missed calls and a series of unopened texts. Sophie, Aaron, James. I couldn’t face any of them. I knew they were my friends and they cared about me but James had made me look like a fucking moron. James was the last person I wanted to contact me.

I replayed the events of the night in my head. I couldn’t understand it, no matter how hard I tried. The night had started perfectly.

I and James had got ready and made our way over to Sophie’s house for our leaving party. I had the alcohol which was our contribution.  We arrived early because I wanted to catch up with Sophie about some work things. James was happy with that. He went and had some beers in the backyard with Aaron. The lads did their thing and we did ours. Just for the start of the night anyway. I doubt they’d want to hear about us bitch about how bad someone’s nail job and hair extensions were.  We just had a few drinks before the official party started. Not too many though, just enough to take the edge off.  Soon the taxi’s started arriving with the guests. It was great, I saw some familiar faces from work. Some of my extended family showed up too. I was really happy, very emotional though. Mum was there, she greeted Sophie and Aaron. I was happy to see my mum out too. I mean, she was saying goodbye to me and I was everything to her. I was all she had left of dad. I felt bad for leaving but I knew it’s what she wanted. She’d told me endless time and it was also what dad would have wanted.

The night went on just fine; we were all having a laugh and dancing. Aaron was hosting some strange games he’d picked up during his time overseas in the forces. Some weren’t really suitable for my mum to participate in but she watched anyway. Not really ideal but I couldn’t stop her.  James and Aaron had downed quite a few beers at this point, I think they even had a few hard shots too.  Either way, they were happy talking about Christmas and life in general. I was pretty sure Aaron was telling James some of the explicit ways he’d learned these games. Lad talk really. It was the best that Sophie and I were out of it.

I sniffled and took a sip of my coffee before placing it back on the coffee table. My phone was continuing to vibrate. I tried my hardest to close it out but it was difficult. I ended up turning my phone off. I wanted to be alone. Why didn’t they take the hint?

I don’t recall how it actually all started, but I remember seeing James returning back into the kitchen looking rather angry. I thought at first, he’d probably just been out for a cigarette or something.  I don’t know, James can take things to heart sometimes and after a few beers, he can get quite argumentative. I didn’t think too much of it. I knew what James was like.  I was dancing with Sophie at the time, Sophie also noticed James. She told me not to worry about it Aaron was looking after him. It was reassuring.

We continued dancing and I guess some time passed, then I noticed James walk through the kitchen again. This time he was seriously angry. His face was scrunched up and he threw his beer can in the direction of the bin with such force it bounced off the rim.  He didn’t even stop to pick it up.  I left Sophie this time persuading her I needed to speak to James urgently but before I had the chance to get out into the backyard, I noticed a small brown haired girl lead him out the back gate. The gate consequently leads to a sidepath to the front of the house. It didn’t make much sense considering James had been coming from the front of the house, but then again he may have been using the bathroom which was upstairs.

I followed them, pushing my way through the smokers eventually making it to the gate and the side path. Once I made it to the front of the house, I noticed them on the pavement. I stayed hidden at the side of the house, I didn’t want to go marching over there until I knew exactly what was going on. I wasn’t that type of girlfriend. I mean wife, I guess I should say wife considering we’re married now.

Things between James and the girl seemed to be getting pretty heated, they were arguing over something.

“I told you! You didn’t listen so how the hell is this my fault?” The girl shouted pushing James and knocking him slightly off balance.

What the fuck…

“It’s your fault because you fucking did it! You could have dealt with the sooner, now we’re in the fucking mess! What are you going to do now? You are so fucking stupid! Like what were you even thinking? What were you fucking thinking? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!” James snapped back at her. I’d never seen James so frustrated.

“Are you going to tell her?”  the girl asked calmly, she clearly knew she’d pushed James too far

“Are you mad? Are you fucking deluded? Of course, I’m not going to fucking tell her you mad bitch” James scowls at her before turning to walk away.

She follows him. I watch in utter shock, what on earth was going on?

“She needs to know” The girl suggested yet James cut her off

“No! No, she doesn’!” he became hesitant “Not yet… anyway.”

“Not yet!” She screamed back at him, “Well when do you think would be an appropriate time to tell her seen as you think we’ve got a lot of it?!”

James just looked at her. ” This isn’t some high school playground relationship you know, this is my life your fucking about with” his tone was serious.

“Exactly my point. It’s my life as well.  Their life too. Her life even! You need to tell her” The girl tried to reason but James just stayed silent.

Curiosity had gotten the better of me and I came out to join them.  “James?” I ask, looking at the girl to my husband “What’s going on?”

The girl was shocked and she fell quiet, she clearly wasn’t expecting me but she kept a firm gaze on James.

“Mel, I think we should go home,” He says softly to me, he kept his head down, looking at the ground.

“Why?” I frown, “It’s our leaving party and it’s not even midnight yet”

“No, it’s not. But it’s close” James said through gritted teeth.

“Excuse me?” I questioned, the fuck did he think he was talking too?

“I’m sorry” He looked me dead in the face, “I just want to go home ok?  I don’t feel well, I want to go home. Can we please just go home?”

I paused and thought for a second, “Okay, I guess. I’ll go tell Sophie and Aaron then?”

“Thankyou” He responded

I began to walk away “I’m sorry babe” he whispered and I smile back.

“Are you not going to tell her?” The girl asks.

I stop and turn back, “Tell me what?”

James froze, he didn’t expect me to hear but enough was enough.

“Tell me what?” I repeat myself, the pair exchange looks.

“Look, stop pissing about. You two have been arguing all night. We could hear you from inside. I had to stop Sophie from calling the police because she thought there was some kind of domestic going on.” Everyone was staring at me now as well at this point, “You’ve had everyone’s attention” I point at the window where the people who were watching us turn quickly away.

“I can’t tell you”

“What do you mean you can’t tell me?”

“I just can’t babe. I love you more than anything. This is just something between me and her”

I glance at the girl.

“What’s going on,” I ask her,

“Please baby, please just go back inside and get my stuff ok?” James begs me

“What’s going on for the final time” I snap at the girl, raising my eyebrows and sounding incredibly pissed off.

“I’m pregnant” She replies.

I’m choked.

I can’t respond.

It falls silent. Nobody speaks. My heart had suddenly stopped in my chest and my body began to go limp. I felt like I was going to collapse.

“You’re what..” I stutter looking confused and struggling to make sense of what she was saying.

“and James is the dad” She broke my eye contact and lowered her head.

I turned to face James. He tried to put his arms around me but I push him away,

“You..” was all I was able to say to him

“Babe, please. I can explain. ” James was begging me as he began to cry and grabbed at my wrist. Again, I pushed him away.

“Don’t touch me” I shake my head.

I run back into the house and grab my things. Pushing my way through all the people with tears streaming down my face. I was so embarrassed. I just wanted to go home and hide away from everybody. I couldn’t believe what had just happened to me. What on earth had I just heard? What the fuck had just gone on?  I grabbed my stuff and made a swift exit. Sophie saw me and chased me along the street.

“Mel! MEL!” She shouted, but I continued running home, “Mel, where are you going? What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t run in heals the way Sophie could and eventually she caught up with me.

“Mel, what’s wrong?” She asks putting her arms around me as I bury my head in her shoulder and let out another flood of tears. I could hear James shouting after me. It was horrible. I didn’t want to see him. I hate him. How could I tell anybody about what had happened? I was such an idiot.





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