Life and your expectations (Part 1)

If I was completely honest, I would say I spent a lot of my high school years watching boys. I would never speak to them, I’d just watch them. They were more popular than me. A lot of people were more popular than me, so I would just watch. I was an outsider although I’m not entirely sure why.

In my opinion, I was normal. I could have fit in. In that environment, I was happy. At the time.I was open to making new friends.

I remember my first day of High school, people were all mixing and my biggest fear was, what if I don’t make friends? What if I never make friends?  My idea of high school was again shaped by what I’d seen in films and read in books and I think that’s what caused some of the anxiety.  I knew what I thought was to come and I guess I put so much pressure on myself to find that starting base in my first year in order to be in good stead for everything that was to come.

However, what I thought would happen and what actually happened were two very different things.

I was unlucky in the fact none of my immediate close friends from primary school were going up to my high school. That really hurt me, I felt so sick on the last day of primary because I had so many amazing memories with some fantastic people and although I was only like eleven, they really meant too much to me. They were the people I wish I could have grown up with. They were the people I wish I could have had develop around me. They would have been popular yet I know they wouldn’t have left me out.  I would have had an entirely different experience of High school if I had them by my side. It seemed though that I somehow fell into an entirely different crowd. It was mainly because my class was split, it’s just I ended making friends with people who weren’t in my usual friendship group before. People, to be honest, I never noticed before. It was like I was replaced and like my position of being with the cool kids changed, I ended up somehow at the bottom of the pile in high school. Which for anybody, is the worst.

I don’t mean I ever bullied anyone, but primary school was a lot more collective. Everybody was friends, really. Everyone could be included of they wanted. You never had one set of friends, you had many.  High school wasn’t like that, you picked your group and that’s where you stayed.

I’m not sure why I wasn’t picked to be with the cool kids in high school, maybe if I’d accept that one boys’ offer to date me that time things would have been different? Especially because that was the cool thing to do in High school, date people. I cannot imagine how things would have been different if I’d have dated that guy.

Firstly, my family would probably have been a little annoyed at me. I mean I was only like eleven, how could I possible date someone. I didn’t have a clue, I would have probably learned a lot of things a lot quicker than some people and I would have more than likely been in with the cool kids because everyone would have been involved in m life and in my gossip but… I mean. I wasn’t attracted to him.

Is that stupid?

Being eleven, reading the books I did and listening to the music I listened too, he wasn’t my type, not at all. It was nothing like what the books described. So why would I date him? Plus there was never a book I read that involved an Eleven-year-old having relationship issues, it came when you were fifteen or sixteen. Fourteen even, maybe.  I saw all the older students, they were sexy. They had that sex appeal, they were the people I read about in the books. There were what I wanted to be. They were the people who got the relationships I wanted. Or so I thought.  That’s the thing, high school goes so quick. One minute you’re at the bottom, looking up with all these expectations and dreams and then before you know it you’re at the top and you realise it’s nothing like you expected and your dreams don’t come true.

I could say that I was never cool because I never dated that boy. Maybe things would have been different if I had but it wasn’t what I wanted. I mean, what even did I actually really want at that age?  I wanted to do good in school that was for sure. I was expected to do good in school.

Maybe it wasn’t because I didn’t date that boy, maybe it was because I cared too much about my grades? But let’s be honest though, I didn’t.  I cared about my grades to a degree but I was also like a lot of them, they just never noticed.If I had brought it to light then it probably still wouldn’t have been accepted. It would have been a case of the double standards that were all so very familiar with.



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